Dispatches from a second story bedroom

I see what you're doing and I have to say I'm disappointed.

 

Open Letter to iTunes Store,

Listen iTunes, I don't want to be a cry-baby but when you pay 35 bucks for a specific program it should be at the verrrrrrrry least available to watch, in your current time zone, as it broadcasts. Scratch that, it should be available at or before EDT broadcast since we're paying for specific content. 

It is the only show I pay for. I don't even pay for HBO shows, you dicks. I could get half a cable package for the cost of this single show. I thought Apple had this sort of shit figured out. I tried to do the right thing by not illegally downloading because I love this show and foolishly thought it mattered. Wanton illegal downloading continues due to this obvious contempt for your customer.

It should not take over an hour to download, even if it is in HD, whatever that means to someone watching on a laptop. Make that a download option, I can re-watch in HD on Monday evening or later, whenever I'm not after NEW CONTENT. I shouldn't have to stay up until 4 am to watch Mad Men on Monday morning and pay to do so.I have taken to watching shitty streams on the internet whenever possible to reclaim the 5 hours of my life/sleep. I am not into having a sado-masochistic relationship with my mp3 software. I feel abused by you every week. Never again iTunes. I am going to illegally download next season because you've taken such delight in stepping all over my dick. Fuck your mother.

Also the 'Inside Mad Men' breakdowns should not load before the entire episode. I don't need the episode recap before the actual episode. Are your people in Cupertino on drugs? 

wherein which I optic blast you

I don't really pay attention to this sort of shit because if I think too long and hard about it lazers shoot out of my eyes at everyone in the world. I become Cyclops before his infra-red ruby quartz Oakleys came online, AKA puberty.  This is not an argument about hate lazers and where they come from. It is about this novice POS.

 

I own a Smiths shirt, it cost 30 bucks. This jackassery is 12 times as expensive and 4 billion times less great. SOLD OUT? The joke writes itself!

we used to be friends

Girls, 

I don't know how many of you are Shu Uemura fans but they are pulling up stakes and leaving the states. Apparently it's still available online but there's no testing/smelling/swabbing yourselves with their salves and unguents before dropping your hard earned clams. I have a hard time buying make-up sight unseen so this is a real loss to me. 

July 31st is your last day to get you literal hands on Shu before purchase. I spent an hour waiting patiently and getting a $34 parking ticket (on a Sunday!) in the process of waiting for some girl named April in a too short polyester dress dogging down a lead on some Pleasure of Japanese Bath (Hinoki) bath oil all the way in California for me. I'm doubly mad, I walked away with a parking ticket and no bath oil. Thanks April, you were a real boon to my Sunday afternoon! I'm now that woman watches eBay auctions for out of stock beauty products. I hate the woman they've made me become. 

• Going, Going, Gone 

All was not lost however! In 2006 Kiehl's made an amber scented candle for the holidays. I only burn it on special occasions and all that's left are the waxy dregs. I love, love, love, their amber scent so I bought an Amber perfume roller from the Kiehl's counter while I waited, assuaging the prognosticated disappointment April would prove to be.  Are girls in polyester dresses ever the ones who make your dreams come true? 

I am zoomin' on that part of my experience -- just trying to adjust my expectations after such a department store failure (retailure? does that work?) I hate going downtown, it's no fun. There are Mad Men posters in the Banana Republic windows and we're getting an H&M in the fall. It's still shitty and not the experience I want anymore when I spend money. I appreciate that Nordstrom tries to service the customer but she put her hands on my shoulders when apologizing for the dozenth time telling me I officially wasn't getting my bath oil. 

Who lays hands on strangers? I don't need that amount of familiarity with my service industry types. Maybe that's just me? Strangers selling me things was never high on my list enjoyable activities but since the internet has decided to become exponentially awesome at bringing goods and services into the home without the intervention of a girl with a blow out or bitchy queens who always seems to judgmentally bored by your wants and desires that excising them entirely has been a total no brainer. I can and often do, shop without wearing pants from the comfort of my bed. Epic. Win. I am like Sigourney Weaver's character in Copycat (I wear long shapeless Eileen Fisher cardigans and Calvin Klein slips around the house even though I'm an agoraphobe psychologist in a pre-Net-A-Porter age). Plus, I have Don Draper to soothe me into a false sense of security tonight.  C'mon! Who is pumped for tonight's premiere? 

pull out your party piece

 

 

US Vogue June 2010

 

US Vogue July 2010

 

I just got a wicked case of whiplash.

registered sex offender

Don't for even one second act like this abomination would exist without Lady Gaga.

she likes the dark on her milk white neck

Proenza Schouler A/W 2010

Oh how the mighty have fallen! Anna's favorite threesome (I don't even need to discuss my disgust over Wang) have really screwed the A/W 2010 pooch. The power of slut bag sheer thigh highs does not compel me. They redid the Cy Twombly scribbles, the Herve Leger skirts and the tiny oxford collars but I don't want any of it in my closet when it's all dyed black. I should want it in my closet or rather, I should want to see it exist outside the runway or magazine for it to be real American sportswear. 

It's what NYFW is all about. It's all American fashion is good for so we better do it the best of anyone because we can hardly rely on Chado to change the landscape, now can we? Seeing clothes gifted to celebrity friends in the front row isn't the same as making a real business impact. I don't care how many girls have PS1 bags, I care how many paid for them. And not in some metaphorical, I-sat-at-your-show-with-hair-make-up-and-clothing-provided-by-and-all-I-got-was-this-lousy-1600-dollar-bag sorta way. 

Remember when the Cockney Nutjob sang about being one foot in the grave meets nu rave? This is that collection:

 "Elements of the past and the future combining to make something not quite as good as either."

This collection doesn't choose to be high art or mass appeal. And while the sea of black might make Leigh Lezark wet her panties, will the average Kirna Zabete shopper? Taking your greatest hits and reheating them is not a good business strategy. Although it might do better when it's broken up and loaned out for spreads like so much scrap metal but for now I am giving it a thumbs down.

Learning to Dress Like a Star!

 

Yeah...that's not awkward.

And I'm like...

I just finished watching nearly two hours of Kell on Earth and I can without hesitation say that I want to throat punch every single one of those stupid motherfuckers. Top to bottom from Kell to the last nameless intern: loathesome. Get in a line and let the punching commence. I don't even know if I can grudgefuck my way through a 13 episode season just to keep up on the in jokes. Seeing awful people do a killer job so shitty is soul crushing. 

 

 

Kell you've really hit on a great idea. Hire unmotivated kids, don't train them and then yell at them when they fuck up! This is a really good business model. What are you, the Spencer's Gifts Christmas staffing of PR firms? 

I understand this trial by fire nonsense that people believe instills self-sufficiency in their staff but these kids don't even know how to stamp and mail shit.  I know you love folding jeans like you're back in high school working at the Gap because your interns are too stupid to read your mind and make gift bags because they've never fucking done it before but it's your own damned fault. They're young and stupid not clairvoyant.  If interns make your life such a living hell, then stop offering internships!  If someone told me at 19 to make a giftbag, I'd fuck it up too.

I am kind of in love with how cranky all the partners are at everyone for doing things wrong and then reveling in their bitchiness like it was a god given right. Being a bitch is fun but ultimately a waste of energy. Especially when you're a bitch about everything! Y'all are the bitches who cried wolf! No one takes your bitching seriously anymore. Use the power of the bitch sparingly. It's the garnish, not the meal. Bitch needs to be used like saffron threads, a little goes a long way. 

Hiring multiple people named Stephanie/Andrew is a problem too. I felt like I was watching My So-Called Life and everyone kept talking about Jordan Catalano. No one needs to be called by their first and last name in the workplace. It didn't help that both Stephanies were blunt affect dummies making drama out of regular work responsibilities either.

Carrie 2: The Rage

I'm not happy about this.

 

This is what they'll do to her and how I feel about it.

They're gonna truss that chicken and still not get a good result. Wanna know why she's not a good cover candidate? She's got a 5 inch scar running across the right side of her face! I love Tina but thems the facts. Just because someone is famous, likable and in possession of a vagina does not mean they need to be on the cover of Vogue. 

She's already been shot in profile for Bazaar so that's out? Moving her away from the camera only serves to illuminate that there is something wrong with her face. Everyone already knows about the scar except Anna Wintour, it would seem. She is gonna be pissed. 

Tina Fey has enough ham on her plate right now to not have to be responsible for dwindling ad sales for Vogue's spring book. I love Tina and I can understand why she didn't say no so I'm going to assume that the pox-ridden blanket that is being offered is Vogue's mistake. We all know what you like Anna and it ain't Tina. 

It's like watching a dinosaur take its last meal before the meteor storm on your favorite pet. Yeah it's gotta eat but it's gonna be dead soon enough anyway so stop fucking everything up dinosaur!

I don't want to see any more of this shit:

  

I want to see more of this: