Dispatches from a second story bedroom

a regular Herbert

 
  

I remembered Michael Caine having a vaguely hot wife but I had no idea this scorcher has been married to him since the early 70s. Eat your heart out Helen Mirren. I'm glad for him, he's earned it by being so obviously great.  And honestly who stays married for 40 years anymore? My parents? Actually yes, but I mean people who have the sanctioned ability to be total poonhounds and choose to stay married to a single solitary goddess. Good one Mick.

I'm not sure why all my fashion icons are men. I want every pair of Michael Caine's glasses from 1965(Icpress File)-1985(Hannah and Her Sisters) and to name them accordingly. Maybe we could start a Lenscrafters pop-up shop in Barneys (Simon, call me!).  It worked for Albert Maysles, didn't it? I think he really hit his groove in 1974. I would call this model, the Carnahan. 

shirtuckers union

I've watched this half a dozen times and still cannot get enough of the Ricky Nelson dubbed, overcranked image of a dude in Cerruti doing tricks. What's not to love? The Michael Jackson finger taping? I'll give it a pass since the rest of it is so weirdly relaxing. I am a frog in a pot.

a day to end all days

 

What is up ding dong Magoos? I was going to post this on our nation's blessed half birthday because it is so utterly prescient to my life at the mo' but got hung up on Pre-Fall Céline dreams and outlet shopping. Seriously ladies, GO BUY SWEATERS NOW. It seems antithetical to what your crazy rhythms are portending but DO IT. You won't regret having 25 dollar cashmere in your closet ever. I don't care that your ovaries are pining for an unmade baby to birth in two months, don't listen to them, your brains are in charge! Smart moms know. Glove up, et.al.  

 A word about cardigans, they're pretty much ruined right? If you're anything like me there's a definite queen-y factor that is hard to get around but if you buy a size larger and wear them backwards it puts you on a bullet train to Kinski-town. Win! Another tip from the internet into my life and onto yours. Even if you're chesty, this is attainable, just make sure you find a nice silk camisole that covers your busted t-shirt bra. 

Kapeesh?

We're balls deep in winter beard season and then this had to go and happen.

A crucial blow for beard lovers everywhere. I'm going to have to go on beard subsidies. 

Dan Auerbach went and frigo'd himself and I'm the one feeling like someone gave me The Stranger. Oof. Bring back the beard, we miss it. Those sad dark under eye circles are not the same without it. 

adjusting to the times

Hey! New sex term I just invented. Two canadians going at it is called a "toonie". You. Are. Welcome.

The real reason I called though, how can you say no to a ruddy, old and Persol'd Irish potato face dressed up like a Cholo hobo? Cholobo? (Can that be a trend for men in perpetuity? Please?) Oh I'm in the minority on this? Add that to the list. 

Is Gossip Girl still on the air? I mean, really. It used to be a point of pride knowing every actor's name ever but I just realized I forgot the blonde one's name. I had to take three internet steps to find her. Thank god I came along just in time for the internet or I wouldn't be able to mom translate for myself. How did I have cogent conversation before wiki? Welcome old age, welcome to my skull.  All the things you love, die and facebook is thought elegant by Herr Kaiser. Also I have been fucking with the text size in my browser to make internetting easier. Glasses schmasses. Seriously, that's my new look, Yoko hair and NHS glasses!

his hair was perfect

An American Werewolf in London dir: John Landis

It's sort of like that argument about having not seen Evil Dead II yet. If I just ruined the film for you, it wasn't on your actual to-do list. When were you going to get around to it? Next Halloween?

all of the guilt, none of the fat.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

End scene.  FUCK YOU ROGER DEAKINS.

but you knew it all along

This is from the latest Please! magazine. I loved it so much I had it scanned for the entire internet.  Miu Miu with a bolo tie? Kerrrrrr-plotzed. Click on image for your own plotzination.

 

De nada.

earrings, mullet and all.

Someone get me a time machine so I can fuck this dead cripple. 

i've got so much love to give

Dear Sir of Madam, 

Please accept my sincerest apologies for posting this. Please also forgive any unsavory thoughts I might have about one sweaty and bloated French looking Julian Barratt with his beady little crab eyes.

Yours in multidimensional perversion, 

Pachuco Hands